“Healthy relationships are based on mutual understanding, respect, and open communication. Facilitate these in order to ensure the greatest likelihood of a satisfying relationship – for you and your partner,” Suzanne Degges-White Ph.D. said this, and I believer her, which is why I stayed with the father of my children.
I married the perfect man. Do you know why? We’ve been married for almost 20 years, and yet he left me for a younger woman. I was thirty-nine years old at that time, and the blonde he met at Target was only twenty-three. She also happens to be just three years older than our first-born. Yes, I married the perfect man. My mental health is in tiptop shape now when I say this.
Again, I married the perfect man. He used to threaten me with his hurtful words and at times, act as if he would punch me. He would also grab me by my arm, and it would bruise.
It’s called “domestic violence,” and at that time I thought he was just “being angry” at me. “Any situation in which one partner wields power over the other repeatedly can fall under the umbrella of domestic abuse,” said Susanne Babbel MFT, PhD – I read it online.
My second-born was there in the room at one time, and I was so grateful she didn’t see how he treated me. My girls, unlike me, must understand the idea of men treating their women like queens. I wasn’t treated a queen, but still, I know I married the perfect man.
I’d say this again, and again, and again, I married the perfect man. That man, who I was married with for twenty years, is a compulsive gambler and he is perfect!
He would take my things from me and pawn it just to bet on his games. I know, I know! Why is he perfect? I will tell you shortly, but as for me, he is the ideal man. One time, my youngest was so hungry, I couldn’t even buy milk because he took my money. God intervened and reminded me that I had $50 in my sock drawer, money that he left months ago when he traveled out of state. At least, there is cash for milk, and in a way, it came from him.
(Later on, I read about gamblers: “When you hear the stories of individuals caught in the trap of gambling addiction and the chaos it causes for them and their family, you grasp the devastating impact of this legal, yet lethal pastime.” Ryan Howes PhD, ABPP talked about it in his article online.)
You must be confused and maybe a bit annoyed now of me saying that I married the perfect man. Yes, he is a serial cheater. He is also a wife abuser and yeah, my husband of twenty years has a gambling addiction. And yet, he is the perfect man.
I am not exaggerating, and I am not a martyr anymore. For the past twenty years, I was blinded with love. Not just love for him, but love for my children. Love for my family – that I want everything whole. Oh, what a wrong idea I had of keeping the family intact and whole! It shouldn’t be like that. Still, I married the perfect man. Why is he perfect? That’s the million dollar question. He is the perfect man because if not for him, my perfect kids wouldn’t be alive today. That asshole is their dad, and if I didn’t marry him, I wouldn’t have had my jewels in life – my children, my three girls. And I wouldn’t trade it for anything in this world, not even a million dollars.
Yes, I had a tough life. In all those twenty years, I have suffered deeply; emotionally, mentally, psychologically, and physically. I always thought that I was nothing without him and he used it against me. If he loved me, he wouldn’t take advantage of me like that. But he did, and that’s what I realized too late.
Ever since I could remember, I always felt insecure about myself. I lacked confidence and self-esteem, and then he came into my life. He was like a knight in shining armor. He made me feel so special at first, and then, it was all gone.
But I made that choice. I accepted how he treated me all those years. Still, I have no regrets. He is the perfect man. If not for him as the daddy of my three girls, I wouldn’t be fulfilled now.
All I can say is that I don’t want others to go through what I have experienced. On the first sign that your husband is abusing you, you have to correct it. If you still want to stay together, or if you know deep down inside that he is a good man, then, discuss with him that you won’t allow that kind of treatment on you. Some men can and will change, but there are others who don’t so, be wary of that.
Don’t wait it out for twenty years, as I did. The damage will be so great if you allow this to happen. I had to go to extensive therapy after during and after our divorce because I was so messed up. Still, I believe, he is the perfect man, and you know my reason why. If not for my children, there is nothing good about him.
I am moving on now, and life is beautiful. As for him, I don’t know, and frankly, I don’t care. I am done with him, and I am going forward with my life, together with my three perfect girls.