Battle of the Bulge (PG-13)

I will never forget my first bulge. I was raised in a very sheltered environment, an environment in which bulges of any kind were completely unheard of, so I didn’t actually see one until I was near the end of my high school career. It belonged to the stepfather of a friend of mine. All he ever wore was spandex shorts with no underwear. Sometimes when I see someone dressed like that I figure maybe they don’t have any clean clothes, or maybe I caught them on a bad day, but those shorts were the only thing he ever wore. And he owned a hotel, so it’s not like he couldn’t afford something with natural fibers. No, it was intentional. He really felt his bulge was something to be proud of, something that would make the ladies swoon. And probably the young girls as well. He was just that kind of guy.

Other bulges through the years:

  • The entire male casts of Romeo and Juliet and Pride and Prejudice.
  • Francisco, the maintenance man at Stroma, who I once caught trying to shag a 16 year old housekeeper. He was a married father of four. Heck yeah I told on him.
  • Bill, my aerobics instructor. At least he wore a cup, but I always suspected the cup was a size or two too big.
  • Borat.

Not all bulges are intentional. I did not list, for example, my high school’s water polo team, because they had no control over their uniform and had the decency to robe themselves when they were out of the water. And I’m sure many a woman has walked around in leggings without realizing her cleavage lay further South than she intended. But most of the time I think men do this intentionally, actually believing women think it’s sexy.

Look at me! They’re thinking. I have a penis! See? It’s right there, right where it belongs, friends and all!

Men, listen. It’s not sexy. It’s gross. Mmmkay? I’m sure there are some women out there who would disagree with me, and let me be the first to point out that I’m a prude. But I’m confident that the vast majority of respectable women will agree with me here. Right, respectable women? (Women who are not respectable need not reply)

I know that some of you men are thinking, “but I’m very well endowed. How do I look sexy and inoffensive at the same time? How will women know I actually have a penis if I don’t show it off?” In the first place, we know you have a penis. We don’t have to see it to know that. As for the rest, maybe this will help.

When choosing a swim suit, always go with board shorts over spandex.

When choosing dress or work pants, try to find some with subtle pleats. The pleats serve a double purpose. If you are well endowed they will prevent excess bulginess, and if you are not, they will create an illusion thereof.

When it comes to jeans and casual pants, always go with a looser fit, and a low waist.

Keep in mind that more is always more as far as a woman is concerned in respect to men’s apparel, and in other areas as well. More clothing, not less. More fabric, not less. More hygiene, not less.

This has been a public service announcement. Please stand by for a word from our sponsor.

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47 Responses to “Battle of the Bulge (PG-13)”

  1. Battle of the Bulge (PG-13) on June 12th, 2008 4:56 pm

    [...] admin wrote an interesting post today onHere’s a quick excerptBill, my aerobics instructor. At least he wore a cup, but I always suspected the cup was a size or two too big. Borat. Not all bulges are intentional. I did not list, for example, my high school’s water polo team, because they had no … [...]

  2. witchypoo on June 12th, 2008 5:19 pm

    If a woman needs to know how well-endowed you are, there is always the stroll-by grope.

    witchypoos last blog post..Remorseful Perverse Parenting

  3. suburbancorrespondent on June 12th, 2008 5:28 pm

    My 10th-grade TrigAlgebra teacher - it traumatized me for years…

    Very informative post - should be hung (excuse the pun) in men’s locker rooms everywhere!

    suburbancorrespondents last blog post..Blog Post Titles - Out of Stock

  4. Alice on June 12th, 2008 5:48 pm

    Thanks Marie! I always love some gratuitous ‘rock hard ab’ shots!! Feel free to throw them randomly into future posts. *fans self*

    Alices last blog post..Ghoulies and Ghosties and Long-Leggedy Beasties

  5. Kimberly on June 12th, 2008 5:55 pm

    You are such a hoot! I must be respectable or something, because I’m so with you on this!

    Kimberlys last blog post..Humbled

  6. What About Mom on June 12th, 2008 6:03 pm

    My sister and I were commiserating the other day on having both seen our father naked at some point in our upbringing. We were very sheltered too, but somehow these (tragic) things happen, even in the best of families.

    The only thing not awful about this whole thing is that it’s an example of men’s body’s being less than perfect (just like women’s).

    What About Moms last blog post..Ah, Summer: Girls with Guns, Excessive Wearing of Sunglasses, Booze

  7. hokgardner on June 12th, 2008 6:29 pm

    I’m with you completely. This should be printed in some of the more popular men’s magazines as a public service announcement. Women everywhere will thank you.

    hokgardners last blog post..Summer slow down

  8. stephanie on June 12th, 2008 8:47 pm

    I once saw a man in the mall wearing white bike shorts and the spandex top. He wasn’t wearing any underwear and you could see the veins in his penis. He was very well endowed, but all I could think was GROSS! I agree, naked men and men wearing tight pants is not a turn on. A buff guy in a pair of loose fitting boxers, now that is something to look at.

    stephanies last blog post..You know what’s not fun?

  9. Bee on June 12th, 2008 9:00 pm

    I am not a respectable woman but I do agree that the man bulge is a big no-no ICK! When I have the misfortune of encountering this hideousness, I always get the feeling the guy is a perv.

    And Matt M. looks sooo good!

    Bees last blog post..Oh, this is all about ME baby! (You know, again.)

  10. lilacspecs on June 12th, 2008 10:37 pm

    Hehehe, you’d be so screwed in Europe.
    :D
    lilacspecss last blog post..Fighting The Battle of Who Could Care Less

  11. Jenn @ Juggling Life on June 12th, 2008 11:06 pm

    Women everywhere thank you. I agree that you want to be careful how you wrap the package!

    Jenn @ Juggling Lifes last blog post..Flashback Friday: My Husband’s History As A Father

  12. Dirty Laundry Diva on June 12th, 2008 11:17 pm

    I worked with a guy who was notorious for his camel toe, he also had a thing for making his roommates look at his naked junk for kicks… Nobody wants to see your bulge unless it is pre-sex induced (aka a boner)…

    Dirty Laundry Divas last blog post..Ever watched a movie in 5 seconds?

  13. Dumdad on June 13th, 2008 5:42 am

    You don’t fool me - you’re secretly in lust with Borat. Stands out a mile…

    Dumdads last blog post..Walking on Cloud 10

  14. Jacki on June 13th, 2008 6:30 am

    But you know, I do feel sorry for men sometimes. I don’t know how the walk around with that thing just hanging there. Yeah, women have boobs, but those are (most times) attractive. Men’s packages…not so attractive.

    Jackis last blog post..TGIF

  15. Marianne on June 13th, 2008 6:44 am

    I’ve always had a problem with bulges too - I got thrown OUT of CATS when I was 6 because I was giggling so much at the men in leotards. Thank you for this important warning. Could you send it to Mr Lloyd-Weber?

    Mariannes last blog post..The sound of silence

  16. Lisa on June 13th, 2008 6:55 am

    Actually, Marie, I find this a very useful public service, and wish it could be broadcast worldwide. There’s a lot of talk in a lot of circles about women’s modesty, and not nearly enough about men’s!

    Lisas last blog post..Bats

  17. Sornie on June 13th, 2008 7:37 am

    My two cents is that pleated pants look a bit gay. I can’t bring myself to wear them and if you shop peoperly, flat front pants are a far better choice. Even the duo from “What Not To Wear” on TLC agrees.

    Sornies last blog post..My parent’s neighborhood is cursed

  18. Gette on June 13th, 2008 7:55 am

    Male camel toe. Ew. Ditto for female camel toe.

    Gettes last blog post..Complications

  19. Jeff on June 13th, 2008 7:57 am

    Nice job Marie. Only you could write a topic about men’s packages - and make it hysterical to women AND men alike :-)

    I’m guessing you were too young in the early 80s to have experienced the Speedo debacle. Seriously, at one point in history these spandex marble sacks were the style. Yikes!

    Jeffs last blog post..Dear Diary - Crossroads

  20. Marie on June 13th, 2008 8:09 am

    Sornie- I have to say, I watched that show once, and did not find it to be based on reality. They dressed a SAHM in an evening gown and stilettos and told her it was perfect for grocery shopping and playgroups. Not likely. Flat fronted pants look okay on anorexic young male models who have just gotten out of an ice bath, but real men need pleats, and real women appreciate them.

  21. Neil on June 13th, 2008 8:21 am

    Marie — I’m embarrassed to say that I actually have thought about this subject in some detail. I’ve always been jealous of the way women have physical attributes that they can show off and get the opposite sex all riled up. Breasts, legs, asses, etc.

    Men, for the most part, get dressed in suits and jackets, and it is very difficult to show off anything. If God had done things better, he would have placed men’s penises on their head, in full view of women — so women would be oohing and aahing, the same same way we do about your “rack.” Alas, our penises are stuck hidden under two layers of clothes. I mean, I guess we could wear a shirt with details saying, “I have a big one.” or “Eight inch man!” but that would be tacky, and not appropriate if you were a surgeon or an attorney in court. The “bulge” is the fallback for us men, and has been around since the days of codpieces. Don’t look down at us. We are just envious of you and want you to love us.

    Neils last blog post..Case: Clothes

  22. Loraine on June 13th, 2008 8:41 am

    Respectable is a relative term. I have been called a prude, I have been called a slut. I respect myself, and I only sleep with my husband, but for some people that’s just not enough.

    I think I remember that spandex- sheathed stepdad, and I wasn’t quite sure what to think except… eew.

    I have to agree with Jacki- the penis is not a pretty appendage- but the way they’re sported by some men suggests that they think we’re actually LOOKING for the bulge. To me, the bulge is often a horrid distraction from what would otherwise be a decent conversation with a human male- and guys, it says things about you that I’m sure you’d rather keep to yourselves. If you want a “respectable” woman, don’t let your bulge speak for you.

    On the other hand, it may save the “respectable” woman time by not talking to the overtly- bulgy male, so she may move on to a more desirable prospect.

    Loraines last blog post..Law Enforcement and the Segway- a new age??

  23. Marie on June 13th, 2008 9:16 am

    Neil- somehow I knew I’d get a comment out of you if I wrote about penises. I understand your logic, but having a penis on your head would be even worse. Jewish guys in yarmulkes would get no play, and men in top hats would be very popular. But it wouldn’t matter anyway, a penis still looks gross, wherever it may be.

    Loraine- I didn’t meet this family until long after you moved out, I don’t think you met them. They owned a little spa hotel near 12th St. They were trying to refurbish.

  24. iamthediva on June 13th, 2008 9:51 am

    My first bulge was David Bowie in “Labyrinth”, i was 8. i was terrified. lol.

    Thank you for this public service announcement.

    iamthedivas last blog post..193 - x365 Mrs. Catherall

  25. VE on June 13th, 2008 10:02 am

    Oh come on now…where are the tight fitting pants and shorts that women wear that reveal a bit too much detail of their equipment? Talk about a one-sided post! I could go on to say that we don’t necessarily want to know if you have jungle, a groom, a landing strip, or a complete clear cut (but of course…we do!).

    VEs last blog post..Fun Foto Time

  26. Queen Goob on June 13th, 2008 10:38 am

    I’m gonna have to agree with VE here - a little one-sided. Of course I DO live in the Deep South where the women are fashion-challenged……except for me, of course.

    Also, and I hate to admit this, but my secret boyfriend IS Mark Wahlberg and we ALL know he looks good in some tight pants!

    Surfer shorts YEAH
    Speedo BOOOO

    Queen Goobs last blog post..Filch it Friday

  27. geekwrench on June 13th, 2008 11:28 am

    i do not see this as one sided, i loath the banana hammock. i have some rather small swim trunks, but its not for package enhancement, its to show off my butt. and i know for a fact chicks look at that, ive even been whistled at. now that i have embarrassed you, i forgot to tell you i am sending you a package (the mail kind) for me to pick up when i come out at the end of the month. time to restock the cigars (not the Clinton kind)

    geekwrenchs last blog post..Ode to my truck (or is that Old)

  28. Marie on June 13th, 2008 11:34 am

    VE and Goob- I actually did include camel toe originally, but it made the post really long and the pictures were vomit inducing. So I decided to concentrate on the male bulge and save camel toe for another time. You know, it being Father’s Day weekend and all. Then I was getting Jessamine out of the tub and wrapped her up in her Dora towel and noticed that Dora has a camel toe. Like Kylie Minogue, I can’t get it out of my head now.

  29. natalie on June 13th, 2008 12:05 pm

    that was the best thing i’ve read in awhile! seriously perfect. i don’t care to see bulges in pants, shorts, swimwear, or anything else. men, please for the love of all that is good listen to Marie! she knows what she is talking about!

    and i agree with VE as well. women shouldn’t be allowed to get away with it as well. i don’t want to see women who wear their clothing a little too tight or not quite enough of it to begin with.

    i’ll just picture you naked under your clothes if i want to see you naked. i have a good imagination. i don’t need any help!

    natalies last blog post..And now Ladies and Gentleman - I give you Jacob

  30. Mr Farty on June 13th, 2008 2:10 pm

    Where can I get one of those fluorescent green bathing costumes? Wawaweewa!

    Mr Fartys last blog post..Farty’s Friday Chart

  31. The Over-Thinker on June 13th, 2008 2:51 pm

    And then I looked at that photo of the man carrying the beer and I died. The end.

    This is easily one of the best PSA’s I’ve seen.
    NBC needs to pick it up, because “The More You Know…”

    The Over-Thinkers last blog post..It’s My Birthday and I post if I want to, post if I want to, post if I want to!

  32. Brad on June 13th, 2008 4:51 pm

    Hey geek don’t forget the cigar tax, that is the lane family cigar tax. Muahahaha.

  33. Brad on June 13th, 2008 4:55 pm

    Hey geek don’t forget the cigar tax, that is the lane family cigar tax. Muahahaha.oh and shoog kilts don’t show the buldge!

  34. Teeni on June 13th, 2008 7:53 pm

    Oh you soooo hit the nail on the head with all of your great points. Thanks for speaking for all of us respectable women. :) This was a hoot!

    Teenis last blog post..Book Sentence Meme

  35. Richard Glueck on June 13th, 2008 8:15 pm

    Well, all we have to say about this subject is that we really think that Marie needs to get out more often. Being stuck in an apartment 24/7 with two kids can be very hard on ones sanity.

    Of course we have to take a neutral stance being the parents of the author.

    DeDad

  36. warriorwoman on June 13th, 2008 8:36 pm

    I’m not a respectable woman.
    And I do dare to reply.
    Crotch watching is unavoidable at Moon Time.
    What’s a girl to do?

    warriorwomans last blog post..what would you do if the world stopped?

  37. Hillary on June 13th, 2008 9:59 pm

    What I think is funny is that men think it shows off the size of their package, but it really only shows off which side they pack their package on. Male bulge is bad enough, but off-centered male bulge is even nastier. If you’re going to bulge, men, at least try to bulge in the middle. But we really would rather you wouldn’t bulge at all.

    Hillarys last blog post..Dear Construction Workers in My Backyard,

  38. Hillary on June 13th, 2008 10:00 pm

    I mean show your bulge in that way. The bulge is necessary, and even nice at times. Does that make sense?

    Hillarys last blog post..Dear Construction Workers in My Backyard,

  39. Aussie Kim on June 14th, 2008 7:22 am

    Marie,
    Great post mate! The surf life savers in Australia normally wear nylon racing swimsuits (swimsuit=togs in Australian). Our names for them were: nylon nasties, or more to the point, Dick Togs.
    I suggest you trial the Muzzy program and also the Rosetta stone programs. I found the Rosetta stone ones a BUNCH better than Muzzy for the spanish.
    Chat later
    PS Keep those chunky guy photos comming!

  40. zoe on June 14th, 2008 9:08 am

    as usual i am behind. i love your new header…although at this point i’m sure it’s not new any more! last summer there was an elderly man at the pool who ALWAYS wore a marble sac. trying explaining that to curious preschoolers. well i was making fun of him at work and turns out he is my co-workers father!!!!

    zoes last blog post..Fat Ass Friday: Free at last

  41. the mama bird diaries on June 14th, 2008 10:28 am

    you are hilarious.

    Last night, we saw this burlesque show in New York and the emcee definitely kept his package on the right side at all times.

    the mama bird diariess last blog post..the bike path untraveled

  42. Veronica on June 15th, 2008 6:50 am

    Funny, I was sure I had resubbed to your new place. Sigh, obviously I hadn’t! Sorry.

    And I agree, although, I must confess to being a girl who checks out the bulges (when they are displayed). Then I make Nathan check them out too and then he gives me *that* look.

    Veronicas last blog post..NOT A Rant About Bedtime

  43. Mary-Momathon on June 15th, 2008 10:12 am

    Funny! The pics you posted are hilarious! I much prefer the package remain a surprise gift for later, not an advertisement for how much a guy loves himself. Ewww.

    Mary-Momathons last blog post..I rocked the CBest!

  44. Krissa on June 15th, 2008 12:44 pm

    Very nice and tastefully done. Miss Manners would approve, wholeheartedly. lol

    Krissas last blog post..All tied up.

  45. Bek on June 15th, 2008 1:03 pm

    Yeah, the worst is definitely David Bowie in Labyrinth. I was almost surprised to see that wasn’t included in your blog. So so detrimental to the well-being of a pre-teen girl. I just didn’t need to know.

    :shuddering at the thought… again:

  46. New York City Mom|The Mama Bird Diaries - humor parenting on June 16th, 2008 6:40 pm

    [...] The answer from Rick, “Yes. Definitely.” Hmm… Interesting. And you thought I only enlightened you about toxic plastics. If you have a hankering to read more about the bulge (and really, who doesn’t?) visit Memarie Lanie. [...]

  47. EMama on June 19th, 2008 12:44 pm

    How is it that I just found you yesterday? These posts are informative and necessary. Thank you. Thank you.

    EMamas last blog post..Customer Service

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